当初蓝可儿忽然火遍全网之后，我很好奇蓝可儿在“灵异事件女主角”外，生前是怎样的人。
我摸到她的Tumblr，从头到尾读了一遍。对她的抑郁和极端孤独深有共鸣。当时边看边摘抄到了Evernote里。
nouvelle-nouveau.tumblr.com/post/12832576532/thats-the-thing-about-potential-it-was-so-close-what
Fear of death is very silly to me. I am reassured that death is something that all things before me and all things after me will go through. When it comes, I will know what it is. I just hope for a chance to say my goodbyes.
I am more scared of going before my time, without having lived a full and meaningful life.
nouvelle-nouveau.tumblr.com/post/32441807273/nobody-realizes-that-some-people-expend-tremendous
I do need to leave this city but I know it will be the same in any city. Sometimes you look out at the world and you see nothing worth liking. Sometimes I look at myself and see nothing worth liking. The psychiaderp said I need to be comfortable alone, to be my “own best friend”, that way I won’t be needy and depend on other people.
nouvelle-nouveau.tumblr.com/post/22304102762/more-its-still-odd-to-me-that-people-are-so
It is somewhat reassuring that there is someone listening, even if you are all strangers and know these personal things .
So does this mean I’m depressed because I am unable to make the right choice? Am I ill-equipped to handle the ups and down of life? I thought everyone struggles with life but why aren’t we all on anti-depressants if it makes it easier to deal with life?
nouvelle-nouveau.tumblr.com/post/28541546763/more-i-told-my-sister-i-need-to-get-checked
No I am not at all suicidal. I am sane enough to recognise if I don’t get checked into a place I will end up like a hikikomori which is basically like giving up on life but instead of just signing a donor organ card and swallowing cyanide my family gets to see me everyday locked up in my room wasting my life. I really need help.
nouvelle-nouveau.tumblr.com/post/29109329166/more-on-school-i-am-fairly-certain-i-am
I suppose this tumblr has become where I pontificate my twenty-something first world problems to complete strangers I will never meet but will know intimate details about me.
This is weird behaviour (willing to write incredibly personal details about my life) but by the logic of human paradoxes, it makes perfect sense why everyone has a blog. So I guess I’m lucky to have been born in this time where we can offer our personal thoughts to strangers and so we’re aware that, you know, there’s other people in the world and they have everyday lives and problems and if you would just listen to their story you would understand these strangers are humans so be nice .
I think, I don’t expect a reply from my audience; I mean I’m pontificating my trivialities. This is a recorded debate I’m having with rational me in which I can’t win because in order to win one side has to lose so why are you obsessing about this anyways.
nouvelle-nouveau.tumblr.com/post/24209815137/erm-so-ive-received-three-red-envelopes-in-the-last
On that note um I’m a bit startled by the sudden popularity. Noooo popularity means people want to know more details about you! I suppose it is due to more frequent personal text posts?
And I really like responding to them, perhaps even more than receiving them.
nouvelle-nouveau.tumblr.com/post/17133526957/self-reflecting-nonsense-where-people-think-about
Internet, you give us the option of recording every point of our life so that nothing is ever really forgotten.
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I have not been around people in the last month. I haven’t had a face-to-face conversation with anyone outside of my immediate family and boyfriend for a month.
“It’s just a week. You don’t get to see them often. Family is important.”
Bullshit I don’t care. I am in a beyond caring state. No I am not going to be sane and rational. My perspective is skewed out of proportion.
nouvelle-nouveau.tumblr.com/post/28038760942/alone
I’m so tired of feeling this loneliness
I have been alone for 4 years now
4 years of walking on the streets alone with no one beside me
it means asking the few people I know if they can spend time with me
and always getting no I’m busy
I’m not a factor in someone’s life. I don’t register.
And while they don’t mean to say no, it causes me more pain.
I don’t have the strength to live through this loneliness
I don’t want to die
I don’t want to live like this
nouvelle-nouveau.tumblr.com/post/28162535371/this-is-a-nightmare
Somewhat related relatives are staying in my house for a week. When I heard them coming through the door, I grabbed my laptop and ran for my room. I forgot to bring water. I will now live in my room for a week, only to emerge at night to scavenge.
nouvelle-nouveau.tumblr.com/post/32864485840/what-the-hell-am-i-doing-here-more-when-i
Etched there was ‘What the hell am I doing here ?’
I think I smirked and thought, to learn of course you idiot. What else are you doing in this glorious place of knowledge? Learning is the most noble and worthy pursuit.
Why would you even ask a question like that?
I’m not sure if this is ‘ironic’. It is rather amusing to think about my younger self but it is sad. It is so very very sad.
I don’t think any person has a definitive answer to that question.
nouvelle-nouveau.tumblr.com/post/33681440888/i-love-life-but-sometimes-i-get-so-depressed-fuck